The first thing you should know when dealing with people and making people like you, is that you’re not dealing with creatures of logic, you’re dealing with creatures of emotions. I’ve made a video about this on my youtube channel which you can watch here.
Creatures that are driven by pride. And one of the greatest emotion humans have, is the desire to be important. Sigmund Freud said that everything we do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great. Almost as deep, almost as imperious as the desire of food or sleep. This is also the desire that lures many kids into joining gangs and engaging in criminal activities, because they just want to be a part of something, they want to feel important.
People will instantly like you if you make them feel important in your presence. When you talk to someone, don’t talk about what you want, and what’s important to you. People don’t really give a fuck what you want, only you do. People care about themselves, and what they want. Give people that respect. Listen to them, be genuinely interested and give someone full attention when they talk as that is highly pleasing for the talker. This kind of listening is one of highest compliments we can pay anyone. Arouse an eager want in the other person to talk to you, and if have the ability to do that, you will be liked wherever you go. However if you don’t, you will walk a lonely way.
Henry Ford said: If there is any one secret to success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own. You can apply this principle when communicating with others. When you want someone to listen to you, don’t talk in terms of what you want, but in terms of what they want. How they will benefit from it. If you want to get a dog for example, don’t explain why it’s important to you, but instead talk in terms of why it will benefit the others.
A lot of communication happens through the web and writing a mail to address a problem or concern that needs to be fixed might come off as offending the receiver. To avoid that, you should lay out the letter like this. First paragraph should hail the receiver’s services or goods and be rich in praise. Second paragraph should state what the problem is and how it occurred. Third paragraph should contain a possible solution to the problem. Fourth paragraph should hail the relationship and have a finishing sentence along the lines of “You are busy. Please don’t trouble answer this note.”
I actually used these principles some time ago in the last quarter of graduating at the university, and at the time I didn’t have a passing grade in one of my classes. And let me tell it worked wonders. His response was about two full pages of what we should do and that he had no worries about me not passing the grade. Despite my horrible grade at the start, I ended up getting an B in that course.
Criticism is another action you should try to avoid as much as possible, because no one likes being told that they are wrong. 9 out of 10 times, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong they are. And it’s pointless to criticize because it will only put the other person on defense, and usually they will strive to justify themselves. It hurts a person’s pride, his sense of importance and arouses anger and resentment. It’s in our nature to blame everyone else but ourselves. Like I stated in the beginning, we are not creatures of logic, but creatures of emotions. Realize that the person you’re trying to correct and blame, will most likely justify their behavior and blame us in return.
A world-famous psychologist proved through test with animals that rewarding them for good behavior will make them learn much more rapidly than by punishing them for bad behavior. Later studies have proved the same applies to humans. Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
Whenever George B. Johnson, safety coordinator of an engineering company, came in contact with people not following the organization’s policy of wearing hard hats, he would tell them with a lot of authority of the regulation and they must comply and demanded them to follow his orders. It resulted in bitter acceptance and people would remove the hats once he left again. He decided to try a different approach. This time he asked if the hats were uncomfortable or did not fit properly. Then he reminded the men in a pleasant tone that the hats were designed to protect them from injury and suggested that they should always be worn on the job. The results were increased compliance with the regulation with no resentment or emotional upset. He didn’t criticize them, but made them feel important by stating he didn’t want them to hurt themselves.
Instead of criticizing and condemning people, try to understand them. Try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism, and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.
What you can do that will make people like you is to always make the other person feel important as this is one of the deepest urges humans have. Try not to talk about yourself or your what you want, but instead show sincere attention to what others want. If you do this they will want to know about you as well. And if you notice something you don’t like with a person, don’t criticize them for it, but really try to understand why they do what they do as it is seldom anyones intentions to create ill feelings. Most of these ideas discussed were taken from “How to win friends and influence people written by Dale Carnegie, a book I think everyone should read. You can get it on Amazon here.
How to win friends and influence people – Dale Carnegie